That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
