mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
