The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
