I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
