Having a random hookup so left but love u
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
