At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
