We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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