At least make sure they are 18
Why
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
