i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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