i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
