and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
