you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
