the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
