I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
