Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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