I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
