I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
