thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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