Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
