She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
