New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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