Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
