and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
