what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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