I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
