I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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