This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
