its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
they're like a gay fantastic four
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
