i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
