i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She even gives head with a lisp.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
