I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
