I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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