The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
