Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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