I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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