my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
