you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
