he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
