My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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