YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
