saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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