her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
