I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
