sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
