You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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