I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
