My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
