Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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