At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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