I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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