6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
