He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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