The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
