I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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