im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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