So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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