You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
