i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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