Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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