my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
