You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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