Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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