I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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