Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
