I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
