just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have aggressive nipples.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
