just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
is that a dick in a sweater?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
