i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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